Parenting Tweens and the "Tiger Mother"

If you haven't already come across an article on this - don't worry, you will. Yale Law Professor Amy Chua is a Chinese-American and mother of two daughters. She's published a book today called the "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" in which she explains why Western parents and their permissive parenting styles have it all wrong, and how strict Chinese mothers manage to raise successful children.

The book is an ode to the traditional, strict upbringing of Asian children. Her husband (also a professor at Yale Law) is not Chinese, and they have raised their two daughters both in the Jewish tradition and as Ms. Chua herself was raised - with a very traditional Chinese parenting style. Her book preaches "no playdates, no sleepovers, no school plays, hours of classical music practice a day, and never a 'B' grade."

As expected, the most outlandish comments are being hyped as part of the press tour and in the name of promoting the book: her comments about grades (Chinese kids would never dare to get a B), dating (never), camp (a waste of time), praise (never in public), and self-esteem (a non-issue) are deliberately provoking.

As for me, an Asian parent myself, I find myself asking:

1. How can a parent claim to have mastered parenting when her own daughters are still teens and not even through the difficult adolescent years?
2. How can she, or anyone else for that matter, claim to absolutely define and then prescribe parenting success? Isn't it different for each parent and each child?

As adults, we are all products of our own upbringing and struggling to do the best we can with the circumstances we've got. As parents, we develop a parenting style based upon our partners (although sometimes we go it alone), our economic constraints, the neighborhood/village/community surrounding us, and a million other factors. Ms. Chua fails to account for most of these in her "advice," relying instead upon stereotypes of parenting styles that differ from her own.

Have you read this book? Are you an "Asian parent"? Do non-Asian parents settle for mediocre with the kids? What's your take?

UPDATE: More discussion and reactions from tweens on the Tiger Mother here.

Photo credit: Erin Patrice O'Brien for the Wall Street Journal

P.S. My own Asian mom sent me this article to read with a nice "Hah!" to go with it. So Ma, you can see that I do read what you send even when I don't agree with you.

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Very Cool New Play for Tweens by Lemony Snicket

Yours truly went to Cal undergrad, and the good ol' Berkeley Rep is staging the world premiere musical production of Lemony Snicket's "The Composer is Dead". Daniel Handler, a.k.a. Mr. Snicket, lives in or around Berkeley will be on hand to sign copies of his book at the January 15th show.  Tweens will especially love Snicket's characteristic satire and deadpan delivery:

"There's dreadful news from the symphony hall—the composer is dead!

If you have ever heard an orchestra play, then you know that musicians are most certainly guilty of something. Where exactly were the violins on the night in question? Did anyone see the harp? Is the trumpet protesting a bit too boisterously?
In this perplexing murder mystery, everyone seems to have a motive, everyone has an alibi, and nearly everyone is a musical instrument. But the composer is still dead.
Perhaps you can solve the crime yourself. Join the Inspector as he interrogates all the unusual suspects. Then listen to the accompanying audio recording featuring Lemony Snicket and the music of Nathaniel Stookey performed by the San Francisco Symphony. Hear for yourself exactly what took place on that fateful, well-orchestrated evening."

"The Composer is Dead" runs until January 16th at the Berkeley Rep. If you can't make it to California for the show, you can check out a podcast of the author reading from this book here.

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Happy Birthday to Tintin - Tintin Movie Coming in 2011

We grew up reading Tintin comics and love sharing them with our tweens (BTW, these comics are printed in several languages and are a fun way to keep up foreign languages during school breaks). Tintin first appeared in print on January 10, 1929, but a Tintin movie, "The Adventures of Tintin: the Secret of the Unicorn", is slated to come out later this year starring Jamie Bell (the original Billy Elliot) and Daniel Craig (the latest 007). We can't wait!

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Tween New Year's Resolution: Make Family Dinners Fun

We try to eat dinner as a family most nights, but we admit that with the tweens' activity schedules, this gets tougher to do every year. As a family, we need to work hard at maintaining the family dinner ritual, so this year, we're going to make the Bowl of Treasures, a regular thing.

You may remember this idea from this blog last year - it's from Laurie David's book, "The Family Dinner". The idea is set out a large bowl at the beginning of the week and let your kids fill it up with tiny treasures they find. At the end of the week, you set the bowl in the center of the dinner table and take turns hearing about each treasure. For reticent tweens and teens whose daily response to "How was your day?" is "Fine", this tactic worked like a charm.

One of my favorite parts of this new ritual is sharing it when our family dinner table is wider than usual - when friends, neighbors, and guests visit. Everyone has gotten a kick out of it. What tips have helped you keep family dinners on track?

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Tween New Year's Resolutions: A Mother-Daughter Journal

We are firm believers in the notion that it is never too late to make a change, and we think that this is true also for New Year's Resolutions. In fact, we view the entire month of January as a time for making resolutions, and we find that this gives us time to reflect on the changes we'd like to make, to celebrate small victories, and to borrow great ideas from others.

One great idea to borrow is "journaling".  Journaling is simply the act of keeping a journal, and lots of tweens keep journals as diaries, song books, etc. This year we're going to borrow an idea from Meredith and Sophie Jacobs and keep a mother-daughter journal. It works like this: take a blank book and one person writes a short entry - then trade, and the other person writes an entry commenting on the prior.

We spoke with Meredith at a local book event, and she and her tween have been journaling like this for five years. She says that it's added a new dimension to their relationship and made discussing challenging topics (like puberty) easier.

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Cool Winter Craft for Tweens: A Pom-Pom Scarf

We love this craft for tweens from Disney's Family Fun magazine for a pom-pom scarf. It's perfect for a snow day or sleepover party activity.

All you need is a bag of large pom-poms, a needle, and embroidery floss. Simply thread the needle through 40 pom-poms and knot. Each tween can customize her scarf with pattern and color.

Instructions here.

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Tween New Year's Resolution: Pack the Right Gear

Tweens are notorious for running out the door half-packed. I cannot count the number of panicked calls we've received due to forgotten ballet shoes/soccer cleats/swimsuits/you-name-it. To be more prepared is one of our tweens' New Year's Resolutions, so to help them pack what they need in the rainy winter weather, we found these fantastic boots that are so fun, they wouldn't leave home without them. They're by fave tween brand Little Miss Matched. Like their signature socks, these rainboots are designed to go together but have slightly mismatched patterns. And at $20, a lost pair won't mean the end of the world.

Cool rainboots by Little Miss Matched $20

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Tween New Year's Resolutions: Writing Thank You Notes

Well, this is more of a whole-family resolution, but taking the time to say "Thank you" for gifts and thoughtful gestures is an important habit to learn. Tweens are old enough to take responsibility for these manners on their own, and ours are pretty good about the annual birthday gift thank you notes.

Make it easy for her to write thank you notes throughout the year with fun, personalized notecards. We LOVE the ones by Design-Her Gals - tweens can customize a printed avatar complete with wardrobe and accessories (even an iPod!) that will be printed on her own stationery. Our friends at Design-Her Gals are currently running a HUGE discount: 40% off! To get this discount, use the code: OOC40 at checkout. You can also feel great about this purchase knowing that a percentage of every sale is donated to the Gal 2 Gal Foundation, an amazing organization that helps women with Stage 4 breast cancer.

A set of 25 custom, flat note cards after the discount is $27.

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What's Cool for Tweens in January: MsTwixt's Calendar

Ms Twixt's Calendar

• Jan 1 Happy New Year!
• Jan 3 National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day
• Jan 7 "Country Strong" movie opens (featuring Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester)
• Jan 8 Elvis' birthday!
• Jan 8 National English Toffee Day
• Jan 8 Noah Cyrus' 11th birthday!
• Jan 9 Last day for the ICE exhibit at the National Gaylord Hotel
• Jan 10 Tintin comics first published (back in 1929!)
• Jan 10 Sarah McLachlan at DAR Constitution Hall
• Jan 13 Emily Grace Reaves' 12th birthday!
• Jan 14 "The Green Hornet" 3-D movie opens
• Jan 21 Ming Lee Simmons' 11th birthday!
• Jan 25-29 No Name Calling Week
• Jan 26 National Peanut Brittle Day

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Tween New Year's Resolutions: Getting Up For School on Time

Every year in our house, we all resolve to get up early for school and work. Our eldest tween has discovered an alarm clock to help her keep this New Year's resolution, and we think she may be on to something. The alarm clock is part of a bedside table lamp that mimics the sun's rays as it rises. The idea is that the alarm clock uses light therapy to help one to wake on time. The Rise and Shine Lamp by Verilux and at $149 is pretty pricey (so we're looking for one on eBay).

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